Dogs suck, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!
You may be like me and feel a lot of emotion during movies like: Where the Red Fern Grows, Old Yeller, The Fox and the Hound, and when Shadow falls under those train tracks in Homeward Bound. But these are ploys to divert our attention away from the fact that dogs are nothing but users.
Somewhere in their history the wild dog got restless. They were tired of living outside, hunting for food, walking in snow without booties…
That’s about the time they became aware of humans as something more than a higher species on the food chain. Humans were gullible. Humans were persuadable. All they had to do was make a face like this:
But this is the truth: Dogs are assholes.
I have two dogs. Both mutts. Both animal shelter dogs, which just boils down to this: runaways. That’s the truth too! Pound puppies are generally runaways. So you go to the pound, and you’re affected by the barks and yips of desperation: help me lady, don’t let them lethally inject me, I’m a real good dog! Just take me home, you’ll see! And you fall for it, because you’ve been emotionally compromised by the above mentioned movies. So, you adopt them and become an Animal Rescuer! You get bumper stickers that say things like: Who rescued Who? And when people ask what kind of dog you have, you humbly answer: a rescue.
But the truth is more complicated, because your life has just become a living nightmare. Your rescue escapes confinement, eats furniture, shoes, underwear, a stick of butter (which leads to awful diarrhea in the middle of the night), library books, a tray of cookies; until they get so comfortable with doing their own thing you find them standing in the middle of the dining room table, eating straight off your dinner plate.
You cover it up though, and pretend all is well. And eventually, it starts to get better. The dog starts to calm down, and you think: I’m the goddamn Dog Whisperer! I will rescue all dogs! So give me your fence jumpers, barkers, furniture destroyers, the perpetually unpotty- trainable! I will SAVE them!
And with this thought the cycle begins again. You go back to the pound. You walk in all smiles. You take a good look at all the barking, crazy ass dogs, and you say: give me your worst! Which they happily hand over as fast as possible- seriously, they already have that dog on a leash and out the door. And instead of suspicion, you think: what great customer service!
You get the new dog home, and instantly your old dog hates it and tries to eat it to demonstrate dominance, so now your house is divided between old dog section and new dog section.
Eventually though, they come around to each other, and they’re great friends. Partners in crime. But now…
You have two awful rescue dogs instead of one, and something like this is happening in your living room:
Also, with the new young addition to the family. The older dog forgets all of her training, and becomes just as bad as when you first got her.
Who rescued who: my ass!
Watch this, and try to remember: You love dogs!
Also, if you just love crying, try these dog books:
All Creatures Great and Small (Not exclusively a dog book, but definitely includes dogs, and it’s a great listen!)
Howliday Inn (a childhood favorite)
Roger in My Family and Other Animals
Dogsbody– Diana Wynne Jones of Howl’s Moving Castle fame
And if you want to understand your dog more, try this TedRadioHour:
“Animals and Us”